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I’m sure everyone will want this tool but the truth is it’s only a photoshop parody to make it more fun. Enjoy!

Situation: You get a new assistant and he’s terrified because he messed up.

If you’re lucky enough to have someone to dump all your busy work on, you should try to be gentle on them. That bumbling, accident-prone fool may be your boss in ten years. When he comes to you, shaking, because he just accidentally deleted your entire client contact book, just put your hand on his shoulder, sigh, and say this:

You know what I’ve learned in my seven years here at Coolidge… Timmy? I’ve learned that you can’t treat every situation as a life-and-death matter because you’ll die a lot of times. Write that down.

Situation: You “accidentally” go into the women’s bathroom.

We don’t need to know all of our readers’ dirty little secrets, but we feel like some of you could probably use this quote to get yourselves out of trouble. If there is a girl you like and you follow her like a heartsick puppy everywhere in the office, including into the ladies room, you can explain yourself with this:

Sometimes you gotta let your heart lead you, even if you know it’s someplace you know you’re not supposed to be.

Situation: Your co-worker is telling you anecdotes about his fraternity glory days. Again.

You’ve heard about the time Richard in Sales threw the biggest party his college had ever seen at his Delta Iota Kappa fraternity house. And about the time that he got with the hottest sorority chick at the Greek Olympics. And that crazy night with Saran Wrap and Tabasco sauce. What’s worse is that you’ve heard these stories a hundred times. The next time he interrupts your lunch with a story that begins, “This one time, at Delta Iota Kappa…” cut him off with this:

Richard, you rascal, you never told me you were a DIK! [under breath] Not that you had to.

Situation: You all had to stay late to finish a project but all anyone wants to do is put music on and start taking shots.

Everyone hates to be the party pooper, but sometimes you need to be the voice of reason to cover your own ass. Now maybe your office is the kind of place that pages everyone to the boss’s office for drinks at 3pm on a Friday (for the majority of you, trust me, these heavenly jobs do exist), but that doesn’t mean you’re not still a place of business. If you don’t get this project done, it’s your job on the line. Before Mary and Sheila start asking IT to do body shots off of them, make everyone focus with this:

Is that all you people think about? Now, I admit I applied for this job because I wanted to cut loose and shake my rump, but I do not believe that this dilemma can be solved by partying.

Situation: Your boss is angry that you lack a “sense of urgency.”

Refusing to panic in stressful work situations is one of the most infuriating things to get reprimanded for. Just because you’re not running around the office having a nervous breakdown like everyone else, doesn’t mean you’re any less likely to put your all into fixing a problem. When your boss starts waving his arms and saying things like “This is a disaster!” and “Aren’t you worried!?” reply calmly with this:

Worrying is like a rocking chair. It gives you something to do, but it doesn’t get you anywhere.

Situation: You’ve been asked to collect the donations for the Walk For Cancer fundraiser.

What were they thinking when they chose you? Well, in reality, they probably didn’t. You’re probably That Guy in the office and you probably volunteered. Specifically, so that every time you stop at an attractive co-worker’s desk, you can ask this:

We'll be accepting donations in the form of cash, Visa and full frontal nudity.

There were reports that the armed hostage taker was dead, but CNN could not immediately confirm that. Several people were seen walking off the bus following the 10-hour standoff.

Dozens of heavily armed policemen had earlier converged on the parked tour bus.

Police boarded the gunman-controlled bus about 40 minutes after the driver exited and said the hostage-taker had killed all those remaining on board, CNN's Anna Coren reported. The police retreated immediately, possibly after firing a shot into the bus, pictures from the scene showed.

Earlier, a police assault team charged the bus, breaking the windows with an axe, Coren said.

The gunman, a former police officer, sprayed machine gun fire at the hostages, a police spokesman told CNN. It was not clear whether anyone was killed.

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Melo preparing for Denver Split?


Has the first LeBron-sized domino fallen for 2011? Sure has if Carmelo Anthony really is planning on leaving Denver.

Hello, Big Apple.

Melo is no doubt the headliner a year from now should he hit the open market. The All-Star forward owns an early termination option, which will be exercised if Anthony decides to bypass the three extra years — and $65 million — the Nuggets are hoping to tag onto his current contract.

Many league observers, especially around Denver, figured Melo signing the max-level extension would be a matter of when, not if. Well, he hasn’t signed, giving Nuggets fans the same sinking feeling in the pit of their stomach felt last month in Cleveland.

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The future of technology is integration, something Apple's iPhone and Google's (NasdaqGS: GOOG - News) Android products have a better grasp of than, say, Garmin's (NasdaqGS: GRMN - News) personal navigation devices or Acer's netbooks. Though there seems to be enough room for everyone -- with the Commerce Department finding last week that American spending on tech items increased 1.8% from 2007 through the first six months of this year while spending on appliances, furniture and clothing declined -- analysts agree that the only thing separating some gadgets from the grave is the size of their displays.